[ Being back isn't necessarily making Erik more comfortable with the situation between himself and Charles: Charles is still young, Erik is still old, and it still feels like he has a strange, burning sensation in his throat that's hard to get over. It's even the future for him, now, and it's left him in a sort of limbo that's difficult to wrap his mind around - not least because there are suddenly more things to take care of.
He's spent the last few weeks trying to fix up the house, but he's mostly focussed on the rooms that they're spending time in. Bedrooms, the lounge, kitchen - rebuilding and repairing, using learned skills from his time working in the factories to do it. It feels natural, to make things better for himself and Charles, and he allows himself to fall into a routine, as if this is somehow a life he could possibly deserve.
Hearing Charles come back doesn't fill him with the strange, anticipatory fear that it would normally: he expects him to come home. It annoys him that they're clearly still tense around each other, but that isn't the point, is it. They're dancing around feelings that neither of them are prepared to voice, and with the argument still running around in his head...
Plating up their breakfast, he breathes out. ]
No, it's fine.
[ Putting the plates on the small wooden table, he hesitates. Should he broach it? He's afraid to, now. ]
( since erik can always sense it when he's reading his mind, charles has been avoiding doing that. he didn't want to give him a reason to put on that helmet around him. he'd found the bloody thing upstairs in the attic while he'd been clearing some stuff out. and after a bit of internal debate, in which he'd considered tossing it out into the lake, he'd told erik about it. )
This smells delicious. ( charles takes a seat at the table and waits for erik to join him before he pours them both a tall glass of orange juice each. )
I was thinking I'd head down to the basement today and take a look at Cerebro. ( clearly, despite what's been stated in news reports all over, charles here is still hopeful that there are other mutants out there besides them. he thinks if he has the means to do it, to locate them then he's going to at least try. like everything in this place though, the entire basement is in a bad state. )
[ There's still that strange connection between the two of them, the supposed "soulmate" bond that Erik continued to scoff at - the idea of them carrying that offer is difficult. They've danced between maintaining their closeness and shutting one another out, and the knowledge of the fact that he could protect himself completely haunts him.
He doesn't want to think too hard about what it would mean for the two of them if he went down that route.
Taking his glass, he pauses, hesitating for a moment, leaning back in his chair. ]
Are you sure that's wise? It could be dangerous, and you don't have Hank here to help you if something goes wrong.
Mm. ( charles nods as he takes a bite out of the french toast and he chews for a bit before answering. ) Yes, it could be. But we don't have a choice, do we? If there's a chance, one or more of us are still out there, they could very well need our help, Erik. ( and that's worth the risk, isn't it? ) Besides, you're here. If there's a real emergency, I trust you'd be able to dial 911?
( of course, there's also the issue of him not knowing how cerebro even works right now in this modern age because he'd only gotten a glimpse of what hank had created through erik's mind while they'd been in folkmore. hopefully, there's an instruction booklet somewhere. if not, he's fairly confident he can figure it out. )
Look, I will be careful. I promise. ( he's adamant about doing this. erik has been doing a lot for them both so far, what with helping to rebuild the mansion, little by little. but what has he done aside from getting groceries, and clearing out the attic, and reorganising furniture of all things? he feels utterly useless. he'd like to be able to find some purpose again, for something more to do. not just for him, but for erik too. )
We do have a choice, Charles, and you're making one. [ Erik isn't angry about it; he understands completely. The last thing he remembers of his own world was rebuilding the house and preparing to go and find his own place to live, a sanctuary for all mutants. Those plans have been ripped away from him, and from Charles, and he feels as though this is some kind of consolation prize.
You don't get what you need, but you're given something you want instead. And he does want Charles.
His own food lies untouched for a moment as he thinks about it, frowning. He doesn't know Cerebro intimately, but he has been there when it was built twice now - the prototype and the real one, bigger, after the house explosion. He might not be as smart as Hank in some things, but Erik is well aware of the fact that he is an incredibly intelligent man. He can figure it out as well.
Shaking his head, he waves a hand. ] You can go and look, but I'm going to examine it first. If I find any problems with it, Charles, then you're not using it.
[ It's the biggest and only concession he can make. ]
Fair enough. We can both have a look at it later. ( even if the machine's still functioning, the basement probably needs work. there's even a few bloody trees growing in different parts of the mansion, so who knows what else could be down there? it'll probably take some time before he can even make use of cerebro.
they'll have their breakfast, and then erik will go work on some things in the yard, and later on in the afternoon, charles will go fetch him to check out cerebro. except they don't get to go down to the basement level at all because it's completely flooded down there and everything's just submerged in a great deal of water. this makes charles angry because what are they going to do now? the moment they get back to his study, he ends up flipping the chessboard over and then excusing himself to go do something else, whatever else.
the thing is they've really lost everyone. raven, hank, the kids. it's only just started to sink in. that they're alone in this world that neither one of them belongs in. and charles had really missed his sister while he'd been in folkmore, and he knows now that he's never going to be able to see her again.
instead of doing something productive, charles ends up drinking a few bottles of wine in the cellar. it's the only part of the house that has miraculously survived the passage of time. trust his stepfather to have made sure to keep the good stuff in a safe and secure place. by the time he gets out of the cellar, it's late. very late. he stumbles a few times as he's going up the stairs, but instead of heading to his own room, he goes over to erik's. and because he's so drunk, he just goes straight for the bed and the man himself. charles just sort of flops into bed and ends up resting his head on erik's chest as he slowly wraps his arms around him to get comfortable. )
Do you know, Erik... ( the words are mumbled out. ) That it's possible... for us to get... properly married in this day and age? ( of all the things he should be talking about. really, charles? ) That instead of giving me a ball, Erik... ( which was a great christmas gift that charles really liked. it's even made it to this world because he always kept it in his pocket. ) You could put a ring on this finger. ( he pokes at erik's cheek with said finger. )
After they discover the poor state of the basement Erik lets Charles go off and do whatever he needs to do to feel better about this, and he focuses on what can be done here. Kneeling in the mucky water, he feels out the basement and tries to see what kind of metal he can touch, what he can do to try and make things better. It's going to take a long time, but he thinks he can drain the water and get things set up down here.
The electronics will be more of an issue, but he's skilled with those too. For all that it might be a difficult journey there is, at least, some spark of home, and he's sure that will be enough for Charles to cling to.
Hours later, showered and clean, lounging in his bed and reading a book, he had not paid much mind to what Charles had been doing: sometimes, they move around one another as if in an orbit, meeting up in moments before they separate again. There is a clear sense of yearning inside of him, but Erik hasn't figured out how to bridge that gap just yet, how to recover properly from his grief in time to move on to something that he so clearly wants.
He can feel Charles coming closer to his room, so he isn't necessarily surprised when he comes into the room - but he is shocked that his friend crawls into his bed and cuddles up to him, as if they were already a couple of some description. His arm twitches, and he leans back, turning his head down to look.
... This isn't fair, surely. He looks away, a frown on his face, feeling his heart seize just a little. ]
Are you telling me that you didn't like the present, Charles? I'll keep that in mind. [ Lifting his head to stare opposite him, he sighs softly. ] You don't want to marry me.
( didn't like the present? he frowns at hearing that. of course he liked the gift. no one's ever made him something like that. completely unique and one of a kind. ) That ball has been with me ever since. You don't believe me, Erik? I have it even now. ( he'll just reach his hand down to try to look for it in erik's pocket. not his own, but erik's. because he's that's drunk. thankfully though, he gives up the search and just lets his hand rest on erik's thigh once he's distracted by the thought of marriage again. )
Hold on. Why wouldn't I want to marry you? Did you know I fled to an island and left the school entirely? In 1992. ( he grasps erik's shirt in his fist then, but decides against leaning up to look at erik because the room's spinning or the bed is. ) Apparently, with you. Hank wrote about it in his journal. ( he'd found that in his study. or well, hank's study since he took over the school. )
We both grew old together. Just like I'd hoped we would. ( who knows if they ever had another falling out, but he'd like to think they managed to live a peaceful life together. )
[ Unfortunately, all Erik can do is focus on the bad side - the negative side of all of this. He might have moved on a little from the murder of his wife, but nothing is completely healed, not when he has had to focus on so many other things. Charles wants something from him that he might never be ready to fully give, and is it fair to say to him that he can only have part of him? Surely Charles deserves better than that.
Lifting his head to look at the ceiling, he tries not to sigh. ] I'm glad you like it, Charles. [ But he wraps an arm around Charles, holding him gently, to make sure he doesn't fall out of bed or tip over or something. He can smell the wine from here - and Erik is familiar enough with using alcohol as a way to deal with his own emotional problems.
He can't blame Charles for it. ]
Growing old together doesn't mean marriage. Why don't you just come out and say what you want to say, Charles?
( he smiles in a sort of contented way when erik wraps an arm around him. it reminds him of those cold winter nights in folkmore when they'd share a bed to keep warm. but then his smile turns into a frown because all those times they'd spent together, did it really mean anything when for most of it, they'd been forced together by circumstances beyond their control? )
If you could head back to where you came from, would you do it? Because I'm not exactly sure if I would. ( charles had considered what he would do in the event he was given the choice, and he realises he'd only hesitate to do so because of erik. but he thinks if the man doesn't feel the same way about him, then of course he'd head back to 1962. he'd be an idiot to stick around. )
Should I tell you why? ( he realises he might as well just spew it out. ) I didn't kiss you because I was simply curious about what it would feel like, you know. Well, I was. A bit. But mostly, I did it because I quite like you. A lot, I mean. ( obviously whoever coined the term liquid courage is truly brilliant. that, or they're just responsible for a great many stupid things people have said and done while they weren't completely sober. ) I know you've been through a lot, so we don't have to do anything about this ridiculous confession of mine, but I just wanted you to know that I'm always going to be your friend first and foremost, and... It's all right for you to tell me you don't feel the same way, Erik.
You really wouldn't be the first to reject me. I once gave a girl a flower and she threw it right back at me. I was six. ( don't ask him if he cried all the way back home on the school bus. )
I don't know, Charles. It seems pointless to think about, considering we don't know if we'll ever be able to get back. Why hope for something that might never happen?
[ It's a stupid notion, hoping to go back and forward. It was strange enough that he appeared in the world with Thirteen to begin with, and strange that he and Charles have found themselves here. If he was a more optimistic man he might think it fortuitous that he and Charles are here together still, that they've been brought together again, as if it was fate.
Why would he believe in fate, after everything that's happened?
Looking down at Charles, listening to him speak, he breathes out softly. It all feels like a little bit too much, and Erik has to stop himself from leaping out of the bed and trying to go somewhere else. It feels a little too intense, a little too personal. ]
Charles...
[ Words aren't really what he is best known for, despite his grand speeches. Charles is here, being honest and open, and he feels like an idiot. Surely he should be able to say it better, should be able to confess how he feels, but it still lays heavy inside of him, twisted up and difficult. Turning his body, he tries not to let himself get too emotional. ]
I'm not going to reject you. I just... I...
[ It's easier to do something else, so he does - he leans in, kissing Charles gently. ]
( he'd steeled himself for the inevitable rejection considering how tense things have been between them lately, thinking he'd be able to accept it if erik simply wanted for them to remain as friends because that would have to be enough, but then erik kisses him, and he's surprised, having not quite expected for him to do that. )
Erik... ( charles brushes his thumb across the man's cheek, looking at him. ) You do know I was only joking about the marriage bit, right? Not that I don't think it's a lovely idea, but we certainly don't have to rush into anything. We can always take our time. Whenever you're ready. It's not like I'm going anywhere, and... ( he should probably just shut the hell up already, but he just wants erik to know that they can move this along at the speed of a snail even and he'd still be here; that he's not going anywhere. )
I'm just glad you can't read my mind. Because then you'd know how much I really like sleeping next to you. ( he'll just wrap his arm around erik then, sort of hugging him close. ) And I've missed this. ( he'd gotten used to sharing a bed with erik during those cold winter nights in folkmore. when it had started to become warmer and erik had stopped coming round as much, charles had found it difficult to sleep at night. )
[ Erik doesn't want to reject him, not really, but he's not sure if he is ready to give Charles everything that he wants. It's difficult, because he knows that Charles deserves far more than this, that he has earned the right to someone who can love him completely and entirely, who can offer up his entire heart without hesitation, but Erik isn't that man yet. He's still recovering from his grief, trying to find out who he is now in the wake of it.
Leaning into the touch to his cheek, he closes his eyes and tries to relax, trying not to let his confused emotions blare out at Charles in the way they have done before. ]
You could, if you wanted to. You don't have to stay here just because you care about me, Charles. I don't know when I can give you what you want.
[ Shifting, he draws Charles closer, kissing his forehead gently - but he wants to steal more, to kiss him again, but is it fair to want that when he can't offer everything, when he can't make the promise of more, of forever? He can't be that sort of man, not to Charles. ]
( leaving erik isn't an option. they're the only two people who know each other in this world they're in. possibly even the only two mutants left. besides, the only thing that makes sense is erik. everything else feels surreal to him. it had taken a long while for charles to get used to being in folkmore, and just as he'd reached that stage of acceptance, they'd both gotten kicked out by thirteen and found themselves here instead. )
What if... ( he shifts and looks up, taking the opportunity to press his lips against erik's, stealing a few kisses before he continues on. ) What if there are no expectations? What if we just do whatever we feel like whenever we feel like it? ( sounds like the old him. but if it's easier that way, why not? they're both adults here. ) You can't say you haven't thought about it. ( eyebrows raised as he looks at erik, challenging him to deny it. because all those nights they'd spent sleeping next to each other, he can't have been the only thinking about what sex would be like between them. )
I know I'm not... all that sober. ( very much not. ) But think about it. ( he'll just pat erik on the chest, once, twice, like, good chap, before resting his head there again, shifting to get comfortable. )
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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He's spent the last few weeks trying to fix up the house, but he's mostly focussed on the rooms that they're spending time in. Bedrooms, the lounge, kitchen - rebuilding and repairing, using learned skills from his time working in the factories to do it. It feels natural, to make things better for himself and Charles, and he allows himself to fall into a routine, as if this is somehow a life he could possibly deserve.
Hearing Charles come back doesn't fill him with the strange, anticipatory fear that it would normally: he expects him to come home. It annoys him that they're clearly still tense around each other, but that isn't the point, is it. They're dancing around feelings that neither of them are prepared to voice, and with the argument still running around in his head...
Plating up their breakfast, he breathes out. ]
No, it's fine.
[ Putting the plates on the small wooden table, he hesitates. Should he broach it? He's afraid to, now. ]
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This smells delicious. ( charles takes a seat at the table and waits for erik to join him before he pours them both a tall glass of orange juice each. )
I was thinking I'd head down to the basement today and take a look at Cerebro. ( clearly, despite what's been stated in news reports all over, charles here is still hopeful that there are other mutants out there besides them. he thinks if he has the means to do it, to locate them then he's going to at least try. like everything in this place though, the entire basement is in a bad state. )
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He doesn't want to think too hard about what it would mean for the two of them if he went down that route.
Taking his glass, he pauses, hesitating for a moment, leaning back in his chair. ]
Are you sure that's wise? It could be dangerous, and you don't have Hank here to help you if something goes wrong.
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( of course, there's also the issue of him not knowing how cerebro even works right now in this modern age because he'd only gotten a glimpse of what hank had created through erik's mind while they'd been in folkmore. hopefully, there's an instruction booklet somewhere. if not, he's fairly confident he can figure it out. )
Look, I will be careful. I promise. ( he's adamant about doing this. erik has been doing a lot for them both so far, what with helping to rebuild the mansion, little by little. but what has he done aside from getting groceries, and clearing out the attic, and reorganising furniture of all things? he feels utterly useless. he'd like to be able to find some purpose again, for something more to do. not just for him, but for erik too. )
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You don't get what you need, but you're given something you want instead. And he does want Charles.
His own food lies untouched for a moment as he thinks about it, frowning. He doesn't know Cerebro intimately, but he has been there when it was built twice now - the prototype and the real one, bigger, after the house explosion. He might not be as smart as Hank in some things, but Erik is well aware of the fact that he is an incredibly intelligent man. He can figure it out as well.
Shaking his head, he waves a hand. ] You can go and look, but I'm going to examine it first. If I find any problems with it, Charles, then you're not using it.
[ It's the biggest and only concession he can make. ]
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they'll have their breakfast, and then erik will go work on some things in the yard, and later on in the afternoon, charles will go fetch him to check out cerebro. except they don't get to go down to the basement level at all because it's completely flooded down there and everything's just submerged in a great deal of water. this makes charles angry because what are they going to do now? the moment they get back to his study, he ends up flipping the chessboard over and then excusing himself to go do something else, whatever else.
the thing is they've really lost everyone. raven, hank, the kids. it's only just started to sink in. that they're alone in this world that neither one of them belongs in. and charles had really missed his sister while he'd been in folkmore, and he knows now that he's never going to be able to see her again.
instead of doing something productive, charles ends up drinking a few bottles of wine in the cellar. it's the only part of the house that has miraculously survived the passage of time. trust his stepfather to have made sure to keep the good stuff in a safe and secure place. by the time he gets out of the cellar, it's late. very late. he stumbles a few times as he's going up the stairs, but instead of heading to his own room, he goes over to erik's. and because he's so drunk, he just goes straight for the bed and the man himself. charles just sort of flops into bed and ends up resting his head on erik's chest as he slowly wraps his arms around him to get comfortable. )
Do you know, Erik... ( the words are mumbled out. ) That it's possible... for us to get... properly married in this day and age? ( of all the things he should be talking about. really, charles? ) That instead of giving me a ball, Erik... ( which was a great christmas gift that charles really liked. it's even made it to this world because he always kept it in his pocket. ) You could put a ring on this finger. ( he pokes at erik's cheek with said finger. )
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After they discover the poor state of the basement Erik lets Charles go off and do whatever he needs to do to feel better about this, and he focuses on what can be done here. Kneeling in the mucky water, he feels out the basement and tries to see what kind of metal he can touch, what he can do to try and make things better. It's going to take a long time, but he thinks he can drain the water and get things set up down here.
The electronics will be more of an issue, but he's skilled with those too. For all that it might be a difficult journey there is, at least, some spark of home, and he's sure that will be enough for Charles to cling to.
Hours later, showered and clean, lounging in his bed and reading a book, he had not paid much mind to what Charles had been doing: sometimes, they move around one another as if in an orbit, meeting up in moments before they separate again. There is a clear sense of yearning inside of him, but Erik hasn't figured out how to bridge that gap just yet, how to recover properly from his grief in time to move on to something that he so clearly wants.
He can feel Charles coming closer to his room, so he isn't necessarily surprised when he comes into the room - but he is shocked that his friend crawls into his bed and cuddles up to him, as if they were already a couple of some description. His arm twitches, and he leans back, turning his head down to look.
... This isn't fair, surely. He looks away, a frown on his face, feeling his heart seize just a little. ]
Are you telling me that you didn't like the present, Charles? I'll keep that in mind. [ Lifting his head to stare opposite him, he sighs softly. ] You don't want to marry me.
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Hold on. Why wouldn't I want to marry you? Did you know I fled to an island and left the school entirely? In 1992. ( he grasps erik's shirt in his fist then, but decides against leaning up to look at erik because the room's spinning or the bed is. ) Apparently, with you. Hank wrote about it in his journal. ( he'd found that in his study. or well, hank's study since he took over the school. )
We both grew old together. Just like I'd hoped we would. ( who knows if they ever had another falling out, but he'd like to think they managed to live a peaceful life together. )
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Lifting his head to look at the ceiling, he tries not to sigh. ] I'm glad you like it, Charles. [ But he wraps an arm around Charles, holding him gently, to make sure he doesn't fall out of bed or tip over or something. He can smell the wine from here - and Erik is familiar enough with using alcohol as a way to deal with his own emotional problems.
He can't blame Charles for it. ]
Growing old together doesn't mean marriage. Why don't you just come out and say what you want to say, Charles?
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If you could head back to where you came from, would you do it? Because I'm not exactly sure if I would. ( charles had considered what he would do in the event he was given the choice, and he realises he'd only hesitate to do so because of erik. but he thinks if the man doesn't feel the same way about him, then of course he'd head back to 1962. he'd be an idiot to stick around. )
Should I tell you why? ( he realises he might as well just spew it out. ) I didn't kiss you because I was simply curious about what it would feel like, you know. Well, I was. A bit. But mostly, I did it because I quite like you. A lot, I mean. ( obviously whoever coined the term liquid courage is truly brilliant. that, or they're just responsible for a great many stupid things people have said and done while they weren't completely sober. ) I know you've been through a lot, so we don't have to do anything about this ridiculous confession of mine, but I just wanted you to know that I'm always going to be your friend first and foremost, and... It's all right for you to tell me you don't feel the same way, Erik.
You really wouldn't be the first to reject me. I once gave a girl a flower and she threw it right back at me. I was six. ( don't ask him if he cried all the way back home on the school bus. )
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[ It's a stupid notion, hoping to go back and forward. It was strange enough that he appeared in the world with Thirteen to begin with, and strange that he and Charles have found themselves here. If he was a more optimistic man he might think it fortuitous that he and Charles are here together still, that they've been brought together again, as if it was fate.
Why would he believe in fate, after everything that's happened?
Looking down at Charles, listening to him speak, he breathes out softly. It all feels like a little bit too much, and Erik has to stop himself from leaping out of the bed and trying to go somewhere else. It feels a little too intense, a little too personal. ]
Charles...
[ Words aren't really what he is best known for, despite his grand speeches. Charles is here, being honest and open, and he feels like an idiot. Surely he should be able to say it better, should be able to confess how he feels, but it still lays heavy inside of him, twisted up and difficult. Turning his body, he tries not to let himself get too emotional. ]
I'm not going to reject you. I just... I...
[ It's easier to do something else, so he does - he leans in, kissing Charles gently. ]
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Erik... ( charles brushes his thumb across the man's cheek, looking at him. ) You do know I was only joking about the marriage bit, right? Not that I don't think it's a lovely idea, but we certainly don't have to rush into anything. We can always take our time. Whenever you're ready. It's not like I'm going anywhere, and... ( he should probably just shut the hell up already, but he just wants erik to know that they can move this along at the speed of a snail even and he'd still be here; that he's not going anywhere. )
I'm just glad you can't read my mind. Because then you'd know how much I really like sleeping next to you. ( he'll just wrap his arm around erik then, sort of hugging him close. ) And I've missed this. ( he'd gotten used to sharing a bed with erik during those cold winter nights in folkmore. when it had started to become warmer and erik had stopped coming round as much, charles had found it difficult to sleep at night. )
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Leaning into the touch to his cheek, he closes his eyes and tries to relax, trying not to let his confused emotions blare out at Charles in the way they have done before. ]
You could, if you wanted to. You don't have to stay here just because you care about me, Charles. I don't know when I can give you what you want.
[ Shifting, he draws Charles closer, kissing his forehead gently - but he wants to steal more, to kiss him again, but is it fair to want that when he can't offer everything, when he can't make the promise of more, of forever? He can't be that sort of man, not to Charles. ]
I won't blame you.
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What if... ( he shifts and looks up, taking the opportunity to press his lips against erik's, stealing a few kisses before he continues on. ) What if there are no expectations? What if we just do whatever we feel like whenever we feel like it? ( sounds like the old him. but if it's easier that way, why not? they're both adults here. ) You can't say you haven't thought about it. ( eyebrows raised as he looks at erik, challenging him to deny it. because all those nights they'd spent sleeping next to each other, he can't have been the only thinking about what sex would be like between them. )
I know I'm not... all that sober. ( very much not. ) But think about it. ( he'll just pat erik on the chest, once, twice, like, good chap, before resting his head there again, shifting to get comfortable. )